September 11, 2009 at 5:11 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

I’m having a rotten morning. Nothing major, just run-of-the-mill stuff: forgotten lunch, puking kid, the 80th spilt milk of the week. And yet, I have felt on the edge all morning, with a lump in my throat and tears setting an ambush behind my eyelids. I sort of wonder if it’s because eight years ago was such a spectacularly bad day.

It started out okay – we woke up in our hotel room in Vancouver on the third day of our honeymoon at about 5:45 am. Unable to go back to sleep, we made our way down to the pool. I think I swam a few laps before joining Sam and a veterinarian from Michigan in the hot tub. He was there for a conference, and we talked about bovine spongeform encephalitis. When we found out what had happened after breakfast, we wept and watched TV and tried to reach Sam’s family in New York on the telephone. We thought it was the end of the world.

But it wasn’t. And here I am eight years later, a wife and a mother, with the milk and the lunch and the vomit and the tears.

In Judaism, there is a custom of yahrzeit, where you mark the anniversary of a death by saying Kaddish and lighting a candle. Catholics have masses said in honor of their deceased loved ones. I guess our secular observances are monuments and museums and speeches. None of that is giving me any comfort today, so I guess I’ll just say in memory of that day, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.


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